Be Still

  In my last post, I wrote about this time of rest I was entering into. Two months later, and I finally realize what exactly that means. I'm beginning to sound like a broken record, but apparently this is one lesson I have a hard time learning. 

  Once again I've put myself in an overwhelming, overcommitted position. I think I do it for fear of being called lazy, or perhaps fear of boredom or depression. I don't like having free time because it gives me a lot of time to think. I am a very melancholy person, so leaving me alone for long periods of time can be dangerous. At the same time, I do enjoy alone time because I am an introvert--I get energy from being alone. I need to accept that I am not who I once was. I shouldn't fear of being alone because I know God is with me all the time. I also know that I am in a much better place in my life right now than I was in my past.

  So, when I was given the verse, "be still and know that I am God" (Psalms 46:10), a few days ago, I realized that I have not been resting as I felt led to do. It's funny that when I decided to actually be still, I realized that I didn't have time to. Discussing my current priorities and commitments with a close friend, I noticed that I once again have overcommitted myself. So, I am cutting back and prioritizing the things that matter to me, like relationships, rest, and a few of my passions. I even made a schedule for myself, and hopefully I will stick to it. 

  Now, everywhere I turn I see that same verse displayed or mentioned. I think it's about time I be still.

Where to go from here

  This is my last week at my internship. Many people have already asked, and I'm sure many more will, "what are you going to do now?" My answer: I have no clue. There is so much pressure in our society to be successful, and success looks different for everyone. I've never been set on one specific careerpath. Only recently have I endeavored to set up a 5-year plan, which I'm sure some of you must be surprised since it's in my nature to plan years ahead. Honestly, I've always known that my future was open, and I have no control over what will happen. So, rather than planning it out, I left it up to God to lead me in the way I should go. Right now, I feel strongly that I am to be still and seek after Him.

  Maybe I'm crazy to be waiting on divine intervention to show me where to start, but I've been relying on my own strength to get me through life since my childhood. I sought God when I needed emotional support, but I never really needed Him to get by in anything else. Instead, I worked really hard to accomplish my own idea of success.

  I'm reading Radical: Taking Back Your Faith from the American Dream by David Platt. It's a really good book, and I'd recommend it for anyone. Before I started reading it I had come to a realization that my perfectionism still has a hold on my life. This drives me to work really hard to be the best. That has always been my goal--in essence, to exult myself above everyone else, not just in one field, but in everything I do with no one's help. Does that not sound sickening--especially for one who calls herself a child of God? I feel convicted.

  In this book, Platt pretty much uncovers the western church's complete investment into the idea of the "American Dream," and how it goes directly against Christ's teachings. In one of the chapters, he points out that we keep on searching for God's will in our lives when He lays it out quite simply for us in His Word: we are to bring Him glory and go make disciples of all the nations. We are too comfortable and self-absorbed to respond to His commands for us. We pawn it off on people who are "called" into ministry. Certainly we can witness in our own backyard, but for so many of us, that "witness" looks a lot like keeping silent and pursuing our own goals--maybe letting people know that we are Christians and waiting for them to come to us with questions. Why have we become so timid when our God is so powerful? 

  This book further convicted me (along with a friend's sermon on being too comfortable, aptly placed at this point in my life) and I am choosing this end (of my internship) as an opportunity to truly recklessly abandon my own will to God's, taking off my pride and seeking His kingdom. I am at the end of myself. It's scary. It's uncomfortable. But, it's where God works.

The Meaning of Life

Many people search high and low for the answer to this complicated question. What is the meaning of life? It seems like an odd question to me. I would first tell anyone who'd ask me that question to look in the dictionary.

Life: (n.)

1. the condition that distinguishes organisms from inorganic objects and dead organisms, being manifested by growth through metabolism, reproduction, and the power of adaptation to environment through changes originating internally.
2. the sum of the distinguishing phenomena of organisms, especially metabolism, growth, reproduction, and adaptation to environment.
3. the animate existence or period of animate existence of an individual: to risk one's life; a short life and a merry one.
4. a corresponding state, existence, or principle of existence conceived of as belonging to the soul: eternal life.
5. the general or universal condition of human existence...

Didn't know you could find the meaning of "life" in the dictionary, did you?

You may be familiar with the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy answer of "42." If that's true, it's pretty disappointing.

I wouldn't suggest watching Monty Python's The Meaning of Life, but after much nonsense it's answer seems to be relatively adequate. "Try and be nice to people, avoid eating fat, read a good book every now and then, get some walking in, and try and live together in peace and harmony with people of all creeds and nations."

All joking aside, this is a pretty heavy question. 

I was thinking about it this morning. 

I've come to find that we each desire to love and be loved. We were never meant to be alone. 

I believe that we were created for relationships. We can try to fill that desire with fellow humans, but we are imperfect, so our relationships will be. When we seek and find our Creator, we come to realize that a relationship with Him was what we were looking for all along. He is perfect, so He can love us perfectly. Once we find Him, it's our privilege to direct others to Him. 

When we are in relationship with our Creator, He gives us the ability to have deeper, more authentic relationships with others. Our capacity to love grows as He shows us how to do so.

Life is about this community and communion with God. 

I can't pretend to know all of the answers to life's questions. This is my imperfect attempt at answering this one, based on my personal thoughts and beliefs. What are your thoughts?

Life can be good

You know, it's tough getting started in the real world. Sometimes it takes longer than you think it should. Sometimes it seems like everyone else around you has got themselves together and has figured it all out, leaving you behind in the dust wondering when it's going to be your turn. If you're that person, it's likely that you struggle with patience. I know I do. 

Life can be scary when you're unsure where you're going to go, but keep your head up. It gets better. 

Eventually, something is going to happen that will make it all worth it. And in hindsight, you'll see that the period of waiting for your life to start had a purpose. You'll see that you've learned some valuable lessons, and there's a good chance that you've grown tremendously through it. 

I'm getting there now. My love proposed to me a couple of weeks ago, and I'm planning a wedding that I don't care so much about--I'm more excited about afterwards, being married to the man of my dreams. I couldn't have picked a better guy to spend the rest of my life with. The funny thing is--I didn't pick him.

I'm in an internship doing work that I actually enjoy rather than tolerate, and I quit my retail job.

The best part is seeing how far I've come in just this past year. By the grace of God, I am constantly growing and changing to become the person God made me to be. I'm learning to love in deed and truth, and I'm learning that grace is not something to be hoarded, but given out freely. I'm excited for what the future may hold, but right now it's time for some more waiting. I'm ok with that.

New Projects

  It's almost summer, and planner that I am, I've started some new projects to fill up my time. First off, I will be starting a full-time summer Admin internship next Monday. Additionally, I'll be working on rewriting a book. I'm also helping my boyfriend remodel and redecorate his house. I've volunteered to direct a church play over the summer, I'm coordinating a quarterly open mic night at church, and I'm still involved in local anti-human trafficking efforts. I'm still holding two jobs (Kohl's and a small cleaning job) on the side, as well. Am I starting to feel a bit overwhelmed? Heck yes. Do I think I can do it all? Probably not--certainly not on my own.

  If you haven't noticed, I have a tendency to get in way over my head. I'll probably have to drop more than one of these projects, but for now, I'm going to give 'em all I got 'til I burn out. Wish me luck!

Going Back

Earlier this week, I drove across the state to visit my friends back at school and prepare for walking in my graduation. Although I already have my diploma, I guess my graduation isn't official until I move my tassel over. Many of my friends are now just dealing with the fact that they won't see each other everyday anymore--a fact I came to realize back in December. I'd like to say that we'll all stay in touch, but the truth is I will probably not hear from half of them, and those that I do keep in contact with, I don't talk to nearly as much as I would have liked. I'm not terribly saddened by this even though I do miss these friends. Life goes on. We get busy with our jobs, families, and other actives. We make new friends, we remember old friends, and we cherish each moment we had with all of them. You never know how much you affect those around you, so make the most of it.

Perspective: part 2

I've learned to be content with my current job in retail, and since then my hours have dropped drastically. I think it's time to go out and start my search again. I honestly would be happy with whatever job I can get that would give me the hours and challenge that I need. You see, the problem with working retail is that I can feel my brain turning to mush. I try to keep it active by completing a sudoku puzzle a day, writing, and engaging in stimulating conversation, but I do feel that I need a job that requires some brainwork as well. So, my search is back on. My life has been greatly improved in these last few weeks, so I feel rejuvenated and ready to go. 

Writer's Block

After failing to get yet another job, I realized something this week. I'm mostly unmotivated to start my "career" because I don't want to do any of these jobs that I've been applying for. I can start my career whenever I want to because my career is writing. I just need to sit down and write! I never wanted a normal 9-5 job in an office somewhere. The only person I ever wanted to answer to (besides God and my future husband) was my agent. Sure, I wonder what it would be like to go down a different careerpath, but I chose this one for a reason. God knows whatever reason that might be; I'm still trying to figure it out. Rather than get myself down for not finding a job I don't want to do, I'm choosing now to take advantage of where I am because, honestly, this is where I wanted to be. It's time to thrive.
Hi-ho, hi-ho...

Perspective

    I've had it pretty good my entire life. Yeah, I dealt with bullies, went through my fair share of drama in adolescence, and it may have taken me a while to embrace who I am, but honestly? My life looks like a cakewalk. I just started reading Cry Silent Tears by Joe Peters, and I read part of Gordon Ramsay's Humble Pie a little over a month ago. I've also heard countless stories of human trafficking victims, rape victims, and unloved children abandoned on the streets. Society is steadily becoming more aware of the atrocities that innocent children face, and activists are working hard to amend these evils inflicted on victims by the people who should be protecting and loving them. Some sympathetic people may see these evils and question why a loving God would allow them to go on. Explaining it away simply as a consequence of one's sin seems unfair. Why should the innocent suffer? I have no answer. I cannot explain it except for the root cause of sin. Humankind is--at its core--evil. There are sadistic, crazy people out there preying on the weak. But, there is hope. God came down to change our selfish natures in the form of Jesus. I could go on forever talking about the effect He has on people and what He did to change us, but I'll let it be. If you want to talk, message me.
    All this to say that I am remarkably blessed to have had an uneventful life. I am not gloating in my fortune, but I understand that things could have been entirely different had I been born into another family, country, or belief system. Most of my mild misfortunes were self-inflicted--direct consequences of my own actions. Growing up, I sulked in my misery, throwing pity parties for being slighted by friends or verbally bashed by bullies. My mother rarely showed me any kind of sympathy--probably because she knew that I was far better off than some other kids my age. I was even bitter towards her for not being understanding. Now, I see that she was showing me a little bit of tough love. Life's not fair. People are mean. It's not always about me, so I really shouldn't take it personally. I had to learn that. The small troubles I faced as a kid shaped my character today. I now see the incidents in my life leading up to today as a blessing. I know that I'll face some more trials in the future. I might even face some "real" trials. (All trials, no matter how small, are still real trials although some may only consider the big ones "real.") I am equipped when they come with a hope from God. If He can get me through the little stuff, how much more will he take care of me when my life falls to shambles?
    Just because life has the capacity to suck, doesn't mean it will. I'm going to keep on living and enjoying today because worrying about whether or not I'm going to ever be able to do what I love will only hinder me from actually doing it. I want to be a world changer. I need to mobilize in order to fulfill my dreams. Fear of failure or rejection is going to paralyze me no longer. I will not sulk in self-pity because my job is less than I had hoped, and I'm barely making ends meet and stuck living at home with my parents. I will not despair because I've been temporarily separated from the love of my life. No. I count it a blessing that my parents are willing to put me up and that I have a job. I will soon be reunited with him with a deeper love than I have ever experienced before. And through it all, God has been there, pursuing my heart and holding me close. I am truly blessed. You are, too. I don't know what you've been through or are going through now, but there is some good in there. You may have to search for it to see it, but it's there. If anything, there is a God who loves you and wants the best for you, whether or not you believe in Him. As Sonny says in the Best Exotic Marigold Hotel, "Everything will be all right in the end... if it's not all right then it's not yet the end."

Free Time

   I have a lot of it. I'm sure you don't want to read a rant about how I choose to spend it, so I'll save you that heartache. When you graduate from the highest form of education you plan on graduating from, you will inevitably find that you have way too much free time--that is, unless you're fortunate enough to dive right into your career of choice. Even then, you aren't spending time studying or doing homework, and your friends and roommates are no longer around to play Super Smash Bros. or go on Sheetz runs (it was the only non-shady late-night alternative to McDonald's in Waynesburg).
   I remember the days that I longed for more free time. Of course, when I was in school, the only free time I had was around ten or eleven at night because I had a tendency to overwork myself. My last semester, I recognized this problem and changed my work schedule to give me a day off on Sunday....to do my homework.
   Although work has picked up since January (the absolute worst month to work retail), I really only get 24 hours, tops, a week. As a writer, I was looking forward to having time to start a novel or improve the plethora of poems I've written or perhaps write another play. I was going to be productive and start my writing career. I feel great when I write. Some people use drugs to get high, all I need is a good idea and an open Word document. When I write, I know that I was meant to be a writer. Lately, though, I haven't been motivated to write anything. It's kind of depressing, actually. As I get gloomier, the less motivated I am, and it's a downward spiral of non-productivity. I've been told by another writer that the key to being successful is to keep on writing no matter how unmotivated you are. I suppose I have to remind myself that I am still writing, even if it's nothing creative. I write letters to friends, and I'm writing this blog. 
   If I could give any advice to other young adults nearing the end of their school career and joining the "real world," I would tell you to fill up your free time with the things you love doing, especially if your job is not your "dream job" (as is most likely the case). You are young, so don't waste around watching TV or playing video games by yourself (at least include a friend).

Just in case anyone is wondering I fill up my free time by: reading, sketching, visiting friends, writing, cleaning my house (which I actually kind of enjoy), and dancing around my room to good music.

The Importance of Relationships

  People don't really warn you about life after college is over. I know it's different for everyone, and it is what you make it, but I think my experience is quite a bit more common than it's admitted to be. I went away to school. I also found out that I really loved the area I grew up in when I was away, so I decided to move back home...and move in with my parents. They're gracious enough to let me stay here without paying rent, and right now, that is all I can afford. There is one issue with living here, though. I have very few friends here. I guess I was spoiled with never moving or changing schools or whatever when I was younger. I grew up with the same people in my life from day 1 (or close to it). Going away to school--having to make new friends--was a completely new experience for me, but I rose to the occasion. I made a lot of friends my freshman year, and developed some really close relationships as the years went by. Meanwhile, I tried to stay in touch with my friends from high school, but I honestly had very little in common with many of them in the first place.
   My friendship-base from home whittled down to the few that I truly felt kinship with. Unfortunately, half of them decided to move away. This left me with two close friends, and one friend with whom I see regularly for the sake of our past friendship. People tell you that it's going to be hard to maintain your friendships once school is over, but they really downplay just how difficult it is--or how awkward. Schedules, kids, whatever-you-name-it all get in the way of being able to fellowship and invest your time with others. So, having all of this free time, and no one to spend it with can get a bit depressing.
  Fortunately, making new friends goes along with becoming more involved with your church (or other organizations). This was part of the reason why I wanted to become more involved. I knew that I was going to feel lonely being separated from most of my close friends. I started out investing most of my energy on one new friend, but circumstances temporarily took that friend away from me, and I was forced to seek kinship elsewhere. Two more people sprang up when I needed them, and I am thoroughly enjoying building a relationship with each of them.
  We are relational people. "People need people." We weren't made to "go it alone." Mostly, in this transitional stage in my life, I've been learning not just to lean on God, but that He also desires a deep, meaningful relationship with us. We are created in His image, so perhaps there's a part of Him that needs fellowship, too. While working out my relationships with other people, I've also been working out my relationship with the Father and my Beloved. I am grateful for the people He has placed in my life, and I'm excited to see how things play out with each of them, but I'm also excited to see what our relationships will teach us about Him.

Reaching my Goals

   Remember that extensive list of "short-term" goals I posted? Well, all this free time has really allowed me to tackle some of them. I've downloaded a language learning app on my phone, and I've taken some of the French lessons (I know how to say "Bonjour Monsieur, Comment allez vous?"), I've made a point to see local friends and write to distant ones, and I've gotten really involved with my church. In fact, I'm helping to run an open mic night tonight (shameless plug), along with doing some other things. I still haven't finished Les Miserables, which I started when I got home, but I've read some other books in the meantime. I started yoga...and stopped. Writing has come in spurts. I haven't touched any of my poems from school, but I've written some new ones, plus--what do you think I'm doing right now? I'm telling myself that I'm being productive by writing a blog. I did write a children's book to pay for all of my real writing, but I'm not motivated to sketch the illustrations. I'm not really an illustrator. It's actually a bit of a disaster, but I would like to say that I illustrated my own book, so I'm stuck. On a brighter note, things seem to be moving, albeit slowly, towards my dream of working with human trafficking victims right here in the Valley! If all goes well and God willing, it might take care of two of my goals: involvement in solution to human trafficking + get a job.
   That's about where my goal meeting has stopped. Honestly, I do feel like I've accomplished much in this time of waiting. Patience has never been a strong suit for me, so it's stretching me. I do see that I've grown a lot in the past two and a half months, but I still have bad days. All of my free time has completely underwhelmed me, which is a new feeling for me. I'm used to being so busy that I get overwhelmed and eventually have a mental and emotional break down. I think I may have over-compensated for the past ten years or so in these recent months. I have to keep on going or I'll end up having days in which I spend all day in bed. Limbo sucks sometimes.

My Quest for Direction

   When I was still a child, and every adult asked the same question, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" I would have a list. It started out with the first woman President of the United States, and went on to less assuming roles, like an A-list Actress or a New York Times Best-Selling Author. I also wanted to be a real estate agent, hairstylist, veterinarian (only for a short while before I realized that I dislike most animals), travel agent, interior designer, artist, architect, and a fashion designer--to name a few. Ideally, I waned to be repeatedly reincarnated, so I could pursue each career in a different life. Unfortunately, I don't think things work that way, and even if they did, I probably wouldn't have any recollection of my past lives, which would pretty much suck. It'd be cool to know that you were once the President of the United States in a former life, unless you were a horrible president. I wanted to be all of these things (part of me still does), but choosing just one career path? That would prove to be a bit more difficult.
   When it came time to decide on a college to go to, I became overwhelmed with this dilemma of choosing a career path. I felt that I needed to choose my major before blindly going into further education. By my junior year, I was so sick of planning for my future that I decided that I just wanted to be a housewife. One of my life goals was to be married by 21 (I am glad that I didn't reach that goal. I was NOT ready to settle down at 21), and I wanted to have kids, so being a perfect housewife looked ideally simple to me. When I'm overwhelmed, I tend to over-simplify my life to make up for the thousands of thoughts racing through my head.
   My mother was unsatisfied with my plan to forgo further education. So, I decided to pursue Creative Writing on a whim. I figured that I love writing, so I'll study to become a better writer. I heard that employers really only look for a Bachelor's (or Master's, or Doctorate) degree, and they don't really care what it's in, so I pursued what I loved, and decided to wait to decide on a career until I absolutely HAD to.
   As I matured and became increasingly aware of the troubles of the human race, my heart broke for the plight of orphaned and unloved children everywhere. I wanted to be a mother to all of them, take them under my wing and love them with all that I had. I had a plan, I would write a highly acclaimed novel, and with the proceeds convert an old Victorian mansion into a home for young girls that included a school and a beautiful garden. It would be a self-sustaining home, and I would raise loving young women of God. That evolved into including young girls who have been left on their own to care for their children, and when I heard about sex trafficking, I just wanted to have a home for rescued victims. I realized that I couldn't do this on my own, and I would need experience before starting one of my own.
   As of now, I'm still kind of sold on this plan. It's a pretty solid plan. There's only one problem: I haven't even started an idea of a novel that I would care enough to write.

An Introduction: Jobless and Directionless

   I was always eager to grow up and "start my life," something I obviously couldn't do while still in school. I managed to graduate from college a semester early, originally intending on travelling before I started my career as a well-known New York Times Bestselling author. I graduated two months ago, and reality hit. I'm broke. I can't travel the world as I first intended, so plan B? Start my career. I started leisurely applying to jobs at the beginning of my last semester. I went to school five hours away from home, where I intended to live, so I wouldn't be able to do any interviews until Thanksgiving break, so I slacked off on applying until November, when I started panicking. 

   December rolled around, then January, and now it's February. I'm still working at Kohl's, which--don't get me wrong, I appreciate having any job in this economy--isn't giving me the hours I need to get the heck out of my parents' house. I still don't have any bites, and I'm getting really discouraged about this whole job-search thing. Plus, where in the world does a Creative Writing major work out in the real world? I found out that when my career goal is "get published," people are wary of hiring me because they think I won't be focused on my job. Needless to say, I'm stuck in limbo, and I've almost entirely given up on applying for now.

   Shortly after I came back home from school, I posted this on facebook:

Ok, here are my short-term goals, now that I don't have school to tie me down: 1. Read, a lot 2. Write more (maybe finish that portfolio for Dr. Amy) 3. Get more involved with Legacy 4. Volunteer with human trafficking victims 5. Keep in constant contact with friends (set up a regular schedule for calling Brianaand Katelyn, start writing Britt) 6. Save up enough money to first travel to Alaska to visit Jonnell, take a long journey through Europe, then visit Ji Eun in Korea 7. Become more fluent in Spanish 8. Teach myself French, Italian, Korean, German, and Hindi 9. Learn to play the Ukulele so I can serenade Lauren 10. Learn more than just the basics of Piano 11. Restart Yoga 12. Get a cat 13. Either get settled at home or move out 14. Maybe get a "real" job

   Yeah, that's a bit much, but I'm trying, and this will be my journey to meet these goals.