When something holds you back, cut it off OR let God do it.

   I'm working on a poem that came to me while driving on i 78. I was struck by how the morning sun is able to transform ugly, bare trees into a beautiful golden-red landscape. Many times the winter gets to me. Some might call it seasonal depression, but I'm rarely seriously depressed, just sad when it feels like spring will never come. The weather has been like that lately. But, God showed me something that morning: Light transformed these dead branches into something beautiful. We can be going through the ugliest of times, the longest winters, the deepest valleys, and yet when we cling to the Light, He makes something beautiful out of us. 

   I started reading All In by Mark Batterson last night, after hearing about it for the past few months. It's much like Radical and many other books out there challenging Christians to start following Jesus rather than living a Christianized version of the American Dream. This is an issue I firmly believe we need to address. We are called to drop everything and follow Him. Reason tells us that we should invest our money for retirement, take care of our needs by providing a safe home for our family, feed that family, pay the bills, be responsible. Each of these duties are important. I would not encourage anyone to ignore basic needs. But where is the line between living responsibly and living for yourself? This is something I've been struggling to find, hoping to find this answer in one of these books. 

   Batterson states that we are to consecrate ourselves to God and leave it up to God to do the rest. (Consecrate: [v] dedicate solemnly to a service or goal, sanctify, declare or set apart as sacred, to appropriate to sacred uses; to set apart, dedicate, or devote to the service or worship of God) He says consecrating ourselves is telling God that we are "all in," that we mean business about this following Jesus thing. 

   I've been of this mindset for quite some time now, waiting for something to happen, for God to use me for some awesome works. It's frustrating when I don't see it. It's not working, I think, What did I do wrong? I don't hear a voice telling me to sell all of my possessions and give to the poor or to move to Guatemala and work with victims of abuse. Nothing is clear to me despite the fact that my prayer has always been to follow God's will for my life. What am I supposed to do? Wait. Rest. Patience has been the name of the game for me.

   I think God is still working on my pride because, honestly, it's still there. I want to live for God's glory--I do, but I also want some glory for myself. I want people to look at me and say, "She really loves God. I want to be just like her." I wish I could say that I don't care what people think of me, that God's stamp of approval is enough. This pride is what got me in trouble in the first place. It's always been my downfall. Man looks at outward appearances, but God looks at the heart. I try to satisfy both. Well, you can't serve two masters, and in this way I guess I am not "all in," but I want to be. 

   I want to change. I want God to change my heart so that I give Him all the glory. I seek to be emptied of myself and filled with humility, selflessness, and Him. I can't do it myself. My best efforts are like filthy rags. No, only God can change me, so I pray He does.