Black Lives Matter.

You know how you might sometimes relive conversations years after they’ve finished (I realize not all people do this, but imagine, if you will)? You think I wish I said this differently or I should have listened better. One such conversation I relive nearly 15 years after the fact centered around racism. Specifically, it was an argument I had with my closest friend at the time as to whether it still existed. I insisted that we were way past racism, that society knows better now, that the fact that there were affluent Blacks and poor Whites meant that systemic racism died years ago. My friend, who is mixed-race, of course countered that racism was not dead. How did the argument end? We were at an impasse and never discussed it again.

I cringe every time I think back to that conversation. I was ignorant. I had never seen racism manifest in front of me. If it had, I didn’t notice because it was never directed at me. As far as I knew, racism was something from our history books. It was conquered with the Civil Rights Movement and Dr. King.

I now know better. I’ve learned since leaving the privileged little bubble I’d grown up in that the world is so much bigger than what I had seen or experienced. I know how privileged I am just by being white. I try not to beat myself up too much for being an ignorant kid, but the thing is, my friend was trying to open my eyes to the truth—to her truth—and I refused to see it because it made me uncomfortable. I wish I had listened—really listened back then.

I never have to worry about someone shooting me for jogging or walking around my neighborhood. No one has ever followed me around in a store. I always believed the police are here to protect me and never witnessed anything to make me question that fact. I’ve never been the subject of racial profiling. But, just because it is not my reality doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist.

There is no denying that racism still exists in this country. One might think that he’s not harming anyone by denying its existence, but that’s how white supremacists win. That’s how countless lives are ripped away without any real repercussions. When we stay silent about injustices, we permit them to continue. If one truly believes all lives matter, he’d stand for justice—for all.

We are all human—image bearers of God. Skin color, hair type, height, weight, culture, sex, political party, geographical location, health, religion, brain chemistry—these do not change this fact. Humanity has been stripped away from various peoples throughout the ages. In our sin, and to our shame, we’ve marginalized “others” based off looks, beliefs, upbringing—you name it. The “us” v. “them” mentality—the division—does more harm than good (if any good at all). Every human, whether we disagree with them or just don’t like how they look, deserves dignity and respect. Every. Single. Life. Matters.

So, if I were to go back and change that conversation I had years ago, I’d shut up and listen to my friend. I would tell her that her points were valid and admit that I’m no authority on racism. I’d say that I have no clue of the struggle many people face each day. I’d say “sorry,” and maybe I would have learned all this sooner.

I am a Feminist

I am a Feminist.

I am also a stay-at-home mom. And I’m pro-life.

Many might say I am a paradox. Considering the popularized feminist movement depicted on news outlets today, you might question these statements.

When you look at feminism, at its core, you see that it is about valuing human life—valuing a woman’s life. In our history, and in many women’s present, women have been seen as objects. Women have been told that our voices do not matter, and that we are the property of the men in our lives. Our only worth was in our dowry and childbearing. Our names were unimportant—unless she did something so out of the ordinary that it got men’s attention.

Jesus challenged that. He named the ordinary women in His life. He gave them a voice and saw their importance.

Women are also image-bearers of God. God is not a man. God is not a woman. God is God—both feminine and masculine traits are evident in His nature, and we would do well to value both.

Women are not the same as men. We were not created the same way. We have some similarities and many differences. Our bodies are different, our minds are wired differently, our hormones are different. We hold the other puzzle piece to understanding (to our human capacity) God’s nature.

Just as there are a wide variety of men, there are a wide variety of women. Not all women are made to have kids. Not all women are made to work outside the home. Not all women like frilly, girly stuff, and not all women like adventurous, sporty stuff. We don’t belong in a box. All women are different. All women are valuable and valued by God.

Men are valuable, too. Humans are valuable. Men have been told their value from the beginning of creation. This idea is still relatively new for women.

Women have had to fight to get their voices heard—to vote, to be able to escape abuse, to have an education, to join the workforce. We take these new rights for granted because we’ve been born into a society that already had them in place by the time we could access them. Some women are not that fortunate. Many women may not yet understand that with these new rights come responsibilities—to the men and other women in our lives.

We have a voice—and the responsibility to use that voice to build up and not tear down, and speak out for the voiceless.

We have access to an education—and the responsibility to use it well.

We have the ability to escape abusive situations—and the responsibility to show others the way out.

We have jobs—and the responsibility to work hard in our professions.

We’ve come a long way in our society, but there is still room for growth. Sometimes, the women in are the breadwinners of the family—equal pay would be beneficial. Maternity leave could be GREATLY improved. A separate study of women’s bodies in the medical field (because we are not the same as men and don’t react to treatments the same) is extremely important…to name a few areas of improvement.

I do not want to be treated the same as men. I want to valued for who I am—a woman.

What I Love About Our New House

Since we're ripping out a LOT of what could be seen in the house (i.e. the wood paneling), one might wonder why we chose that house in the first place.

The thing is, here and there, there were bits of the original character peeking out from behind the 70s decor. Original trim, vents, the staircase, two stained-glass windows, and a whopping total of one original door. I just had to see what lay underneath the paneling.

One of the Stained Glass Windows

Original Banister

The only original door left, also the original trim untouched

An Original Vent

It turns out the original plaster walls covered with (most likely original) peeling wallpaper were hidden behind the updates. They wallpapered the ceilings, which is actually kind of cool. Also, I nearly cried when I saw the original window trim, hacked away in places to make way for that wood paneling. We discovered a hole in the bathroom wall where an original medicine cabinet once stood, as well as a boarded up window, which now leads to the fourth bedroom. A large window in the dining room was covered and turned into built-in-shelves because of the laundry room addition.

The built-in shelves are covering the original window trim

The original trim was trimmed for the wood paneling

A hole in the wall for a medicine cabinet

A boarded up window

I'm going to try my hardest to restore that trim, because the one window and the multiple doorways where it stayed intact are beautiful. I'm also hoping to find some five-panel doors and a front door at the local architectural salvage warehouse to replace the hollow doors that replaced the originals. I'm also hoping to restore the trim around the old dining room window/built-in shelves and create a more era-appropriate built-in.

The house was really dark with all that wood paneling. It's already brightened up since we took it down. The living room will also brighten up once we put a light in there.

I found out the house was a brick house just by looking around the enclosed front porch. The wall of brick was unfortunately painted an ugly tan and brown, but the original columns are still there, untouched. Un-enclosing the front porch will also help a LOT with brightening up the living room, even though it'll be some time before we can do that.

The vinyl and stone facade that covers the house

Painted Brick in the Front Porch

I'm really excited about how it'll look when all the work is done.

House Remodel Journal Part 2

When we bought this house, we knew we’d need to work on it. Before we put in an offer, I had a list of all the work I’d want done on the house. We planned out how to finance said work. But, as is typical, we may have underestimated exactly how much time it all would take. This isn’t HGTV, after all. It’s real life.

I’m a planner. I plan things until I can no longer plan them. I’m not much of a doer. The follow-through is not my strong suit. I live in the theoretical. There are points where this serves me really well—problem solving, planning a remodel. I make very detailed plans, but sometimes my plans don’t take into account my present reality. I am newly a mother of 2, healing from a C-section that I had three days before we closed on our house. My plans involved me doing a large chunk of the work on the house—not exactly realistic. We also currently live with my grandmother, 40 minutes away from our house, which makes meeting contractors and going over to do work tedious.

The Living Room

A pile of wood paneling in one of the bedrooms

We discovered the drop ceiling in one of the bedrooms covered ceiling tiles, yippie!

After tearing out all the plaster in the attic

Instead, my husband has been making the drive five nights a week to work on the house after putting our son down to bed. He spends 2-3 hours at the house—sometimes with help—while I care for our newborn and go to sleep. It’s taken a toll on our relationship. We only see each other for dinner and a few minutes in the morning as he gets ready for work. Juggling the house, two kids, his job, and our relationship has probably been harder on him than me.

Peeling Wallpaper and Original Trim

Living Room's much brighter without paneling

So, where are we currently? Benjamin’s still peeling off the layers of remodels the house has had in its hundred years of existing, and I’m meeting with plumbers and an electrician this week to get quotes on those jobs. We’ve sent a down payment to our A/C contractor and are waiting to schedule that work. Our 22-month-old is adjusting to big-brotherhood pretty well, despite bouts of jealousy. Our newborn is 1 month old and refusing to sleep in his own bed. And Benjamin and I are strangers sharing a bed (with a baby) at my grandmother’s house.

Despite all this, I am hopeful. This is just a short chapter in our lives, after all. I’m going to push to get this house done as soon as possible, so we can move in and reap the benefits that this house seemed to promise us when we bought it. Things we are currently sacrificing, like time together, we’ll be able to have multiplied to us when we are finished.

House Remodel Journal Part 1

We bought a house--a month ago!

It's a brick American Foursquare built in the early 1900s. We actually bought it from the grandson of the family that built it. They immigrated from Poland and built this house to raise their family. His parents were the last to live in it before he inherited it and rented it out. His parents updated it a few times in the 70s, built an addition and inserted a LOT of wood paneling.

This house caught our eye because of the location and size of the house. It is near schools, parks, and restaurants in a town that is very walkable. It's age appealed to me because I love old houses and have been playing with an idea to start my own business restoring old houses and buildings. This seemed like the perfect way to get my feet wet.

We aren't planning on doing anything to the layout of the house, but instead plan on updating the cosmetics--or, more accurately, restoring the cosmetics to reflect it's original beauty.

We are starting with the interior and working our way out. We may not get to the exterior for a few years, but I fully intend to un-enclose the porch and peel off the vinyl siding and fake stone facade to reveal the original brick one day.

Living Room

Dining Room

Kitchen

Attic

Here's the plan:
Remove ALL wood paneling and worn-down carpeting
Install central A/C
Update electrical (we found knob & tube in the attic)
Insulate attic and basement
Refinish attic to make playroom for kids
Finish the rest of the basement for Benjamin's music studio
Fix plaster walls
Restore trimwork
Install new light fixtures in most of the house
Install new flooring
Paint
Move in!

I know it's a bit unrealistic, but I'm hoping to be finished with the interior and move in by our son's second birthday, which is mid-September.

Wish us luck!

A Happiness Project?

A couple weeks ago I read The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin, and although it seems a bit vain to focus on my own happiness, I do like some of the ideas she has.



Rubin focuses on making tangible resolutions to - in essence - be a more pleasant person to be around. She also forces herself to accept her preferences without giving in to the need to feel legitimate (An example she gives is her love of children's literature.) and to make time for enjoyment.

After reading it, I'm feeling motivated to work on my own character.

I am a perpetual critic. Perhaps it's because I like to feel superior to others - no, wait, it definitely is because I like to feel superior to others. It's terrible. I hate it. I've been "working on it" for a while now.

Philippians 2:3 says "Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves.

Knowing this, I despise my critical heart. I despise the part of my nature that insists on being self-important. But hating this part of me just isn't good enough. I realize that I need to make tangible efforts in "counting others more significant." Of course, praying for change is just as--if not more--important.

Enter Rubin's "Resolutions Chart," as mentioned in her book. The idea is to write down specific resolutions and measure how you are doing with each resolution every day. I think I will start doing this, and we'll see how it goes. I also like her idea of writing a novel in a month. I might just try that one, too.

My main goal won't be to become happier, per se, but rather to be more intentional in my pursuit of good character.

I'll let you know how it goes.

My Secret Garden Dream

Watching, and then reading The Secret Garden as a kid sparked a desire to create secret garden of my own once I grew up. I love flowers and enjoyed playing in our backyard growing up. I wanted the same experiences for my children. The problem with this desire is that I'm not very good with follow-through. I start things and have a hard time keeping up with them through completion.

I started a vegetable garden in our backyard this year in hopes of being able to live off of our small plot of land a bit. It's a 12x4 raised bed garden that I planted via the Square Foot Gardening method. Unfortunately some of my older seeds didn't take, so only about 75% of the garden yielded anything. I was pretty surprised with myself that after planning it out all winter I actually managed to build and plant it. That's exactly the sort of thing that I would start and give up before any real progress had been made.

My husband owned this house before I met him, and the yard wasn't exactly something he focused on. There's a raised garden bed lining the front and side of our house, and it was overgrown and a bit scary when I came around. I spent a year or two planning out what I'd do with the garden and weeded, trimmed, and planted it last year. We also started utilizing our yard last year, enjoying our make-shift fire pit and playing lawn games with friends.

The thing is, we have all this lawn (that's mostly weeds) that neither of us really like to mow, so (after reading two books) I've decided that I'm going to replace the entire front lawn with a cottage garden. But maintaining a garden is a lot of work. I barely have energy to maintain my vegetable garden. 

I read Eco-yards: Simple Steps to Earth-Friendly Landscapes earlier this year, and I'm sold. The author encourages people to use native plants in their landscapes to encourage healthy eco-systems and help the environment.



I also read The New Low-Maintenance Garden, in which the author argues that filling your yard with hardy plants and architectural elements will allow for more enjoyment and less upkeep.



I like the ideas that both authors present - I desire to have a positive impact on the environment without putting in too much effort. I found a few native plant nurseries in my area and hope to start working on this project in the next few years. Question is, is it an investment that I'm willing to make? We'll see.