2 Weeks Postpartum

A little over 2 weeks ago, I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy. The first thought I had when the doctor placed him on my chest was oh, there was an actual living, breathing human being in there. I don't know what I was expecting, maybe a fruit or vegetable since I'd been reading up on comparative sizes for the past nine months. Whatever it was, I was not expecting this squirming red baby that was plopped onto my chest. I'm not one of those people who didn't know they were pregnant, nor was I accidentally impregnated. I've been wanting to be a mother for all of my (albeit short) adult life. We'd been trying for 6 months before I got the positive result. I was excitedly reading up on birth and parenting and picking out baby items throughout my pregnancy. 

It's just - well - my labor seemed anticlimactic for some reason. It wasn't a long arduous labor. In fact, I enjoyed telling every detail of it to anyone who'd listen. 

I didn't know what was wrong. Although I knew I was pregnant with a boy, I think part of me still hoped he'd be a girl because girls seem so much easier to raise than boys (having been a girl myself). There was also the fact that I had a beautiful baby when I was half expecting an ugly one since I was a pretty ugly baby. Whatever the reason, the reality that I was bringing home a living human didn't really set in. 

The thing is, it still hasn't. 

I realized from a dream I had a couple nights ago, that I haven't really felt any attachment to him as my child. Sure, I've been carrying him around and nursing him, spending loads of my time holding him close, but I haven't really bonded with him yet. 

It took me a few days to even say "I love you" to him, and that even felt superficial. I have to remind myself to kiss him every once in a while, while my husband can't stop kissing him.

I had to ask what was wrong with me that I felt nothing towards this baby I'd been carrying for 9 months. I googled it. Apparently it can take up to 6 months to bond with one's baby. 6 months! I hope it doesn't take that long. As for now, I will continue to do everything I can to try to bond with my baby and pray that it happens sooner rather than later. I guess we'll see. 

Democracy at Work

I grew up in a very politically vocal household. Most Conservative Republicans are. My schooling involved a lot of right-wing rants from my history teacher. I went to college and was exposed to more liberals, but my politics teacher was conservative.

As I've grown, I've started to see the problem with democracy in America. It's the problem many people in my generation have noticed alongside me - their response is to relinquish their right to vote. What is this problem that would cause so many to forgo a right that generations have fought to gain? The problem is that there is no real representative of the people in our government.

Looking at the issues that the 2 major parties stand on, I see no one that I completely agree with. I almost think that this is done purposely so that people focus on one issue when voting and don't see the other stances on issues that they are voting for.

Did you know that there are 5 "major" political parties? There are 33 "minor" parties, as well. So, why is it we only hear about 2?

We can blame the media, but I think the blame lies on the citizens. We don't take the time to look at ALL of our options. Why should we always feel like we are choosing the lesser of two evils? People say that if they vote for any other candidates, they are throwing away their vote. Isn't the point of voting to make your voice heard?

I say we start voting for what we believe in with confidence. That we stop putting ourselves on polar opposites - making it a state of "us and them" and making the chasm between larger. I say that we take our right to vote and use it. Make the American government speak for the people again.

Look at your options & vote for who most closely resembles your beliefs.

This country will be a much better place if we all did.

This seems to be the best website I can find about all the candidates:
http://www.politics1.com/p2016.htm

Here's a quiz to see whom you side with most, look into each result, though, to see how your response compares: http://www.isidewith.com/political-quiz

Run Away!

One of the challenges I'm facing with the eminent addition to our family is to fight the urge to run.

It's an urge I've been fighting since childhood. I remember one instance where my neighbor friend and I chose to rendezvous in our alley at midnight one night and drive away in her electric toy car. We got a block away before her step-father found us and brought us home. I don't think I was ever serious about running away as a child because I never really got far or planned my trips very well.

I escaped in a different way. Through my books, I could be a secret agent or courageous wizard. I lived in far off countries or magical lands. I was wooed by Mr. Darcy and journeyed through Middle Earth. I chose to live vicariously through beloved characters rather than live my own life. I even got involved with theatre and became the characters I played. 

Yet, at different points in my life, I still fought the urge to physically run. I long for adventure. I want to see the world, to experience its many cultures. I want to have an interesting life fighting for justice or creating a masterpiece. I wanted the life I have, but I also didn't want to settle down so early. 

With the addition of a baby, it looks as if I will never have the adventures I yearn for, and that scares me. That's what makes me want to run away. Perhaps this wanderlust could be satiated if I were to go out more. If I made a point to take trips to the places I want to see and found interesting activities to do while at home, I may be a little more inclined to stick around. Maybe this is something I need to prioritize in my life, and maybe I will become a little more content with settling down if I do.

Rather than waste time on Pinterest or spend my days in someone else's adventure, I'm going to start making choices that support this longing. We'll see how it turns out!

Baby on the Way

After trying for a few months, my husband and I have been blessed with a developing baby. I'm now 22 weeks pregnant and overwhelmed with the prospect of becoming a first-time mom. In anticipation of the positive pregnancy test, I read up on a lot of baby and parenting books, blogs, and sites. I even started my baby registry (with the mindset that we would be having a boy first) on amazon. I was so excited to be moving on to this next chapter in my life that I over-saturated my brain with baby - that is, until I actually found out I was pregnant.

The first few months, it seemed too good to be true. I didn't want to tell anyone just in case we lost it, but my big mouth overruled me on that one. I stopped looking at baby stuff for fear that I would jinx it. I went to my doctor's appointments, saw the baby moving, and still couldn't quite believe that what I saw on the screen reflected what was going on in my womb. I'm the kind of person who has hopes and dreams for my life and never believes that I could actually obtain any of them. This was just another case of my unbelievable felicity.

After we found out the gender in our 20 week visit and I started feeling distinct movement, I finally allowed myself to revel in the new life created within me. I also began to freak out. I'm not ready to be a mom! I'm only 25. I still have no idea what I want to do with my life. How can we provide for children while still trying to reach our financial goal of being debt-free? I'm just now rethinking my career and flirting with the idea of going back to school to pursue Interior Design. Becoming a published author, it turns out, requires much more discipline and energy than I have. Figuring out how to juggle being a full-time mom and part-time employee is going to be hard.

So as my life is transitioning yet again, I am faced with new challenges, many of which come from rethinking the choices I've made up to now. I have come to understand that sometimes the best way to face them is head-on as they come. Creativity comes out of necessity, and I believe that this next chapter of my life is going to require a lot of creativity.

I know that with God's help and the support of my family and friends, I can overcome these challenges. And I know that I will grow tremendously because of them. So, (I guess) bring 'em on!