2 Weeks Postpartum

A little over 2 weeks ago, I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy. The first thought I had when the doctor placed him on my chest was oh, there was an actual living, breathing human being in there. I don't know what I was expecting, maybe a fruit or vegetable since I'd been reading up on comparative sizes for the past nine months. Whatever it was, I was not expecting this squirming red baby that was plopped onto my chest. I'm not one of those people who didn't know they were pregnant, nor was I accidentally impregnated. I've been wanting to be a mother for all of my (albeit short) adult life. We'd been trying for 6 months before I got the positive result. I was excitedly reading up on birth and parenting and picking out baby items throughout my pregnancy. 

It's just - well - my labor seemed anticlimactic for some reason. It wasn't a long arduous labor. In fact, I enjoyed telling every detail of it to anyone who'd listen. 

I didn't know what was wrong. Although I knew I was pregnant with a boy, I think part of me still hoped he'd be a girl because girls seem so much easier to raise than boys (having been a girl myself). There was also the fact that I had a beautiful baby when I was half expecting an ugly one since I was a pretty ugly baby. Whatever the reason, the reality that I was bringing home a living human didn't really set in. 

The thing is, it still hasn't. 

I realized from a dream I had a couple nights ago, that I haven't really felt any attachment to him as my child. Sure, I've been carrying him around and nursing him, spending loads of my time holding him close, but I haven't really bonded with him yet. 

It took me a few days to even say "I love you" to him, and that even felt superficial. I have to remind myself to kiss him every once in a while, while my husband can't stop kissing him.

I had to ask what was wrong with me that I felt nothing towards this baby I'd been carrying for 9 months. I googled it. Apparently it can take up to 6 months to bond with one's baby. 6 months! I hope it doesn't take that long. As for now, I will continue to do everything I can to try to bond with my baby and pray that it happens sooner rather than later. I guess we'll see.