Be Still

  In my last post, I wrote about this time of rest I was entering into. Two months later, and I finally realize what exactly that means. I'm beginning to sound like a broken record, but apparently this is one lesson I have a hard time learning. 

  Once again I've put myself in an overwhelming, overcommitted position. I think I do it for fear of being called lazy, or perhaps fear of boredom or depression. I don't like having free time because it gives me a lot of time to think. I am a very melancholy person, so leaving me alone for long periods of time can be dangerous. At the same time, I do enjoy alone time because I am an introvert--I get energy from being alone. I need to accept that I am not who I once was. I shouldn't fear of being alone because I know God is with me all the time. I also know that I am in a much better place in my life right now than I was in my past.

  So, when I was given the verse, "be still and know that I am God" (Psalms 46:10), a few days ago, I realized that I have not been resting as I felt led to do. It's funny that when I decided to actually be still, I realized that I didn't have time to. Discussing my current priorities and commitments with a close friend, I noticed that I once again have overcommitted myself. So, I am cutting back and prioritizing the things that matter to me, like relationships, rest, and a few of my passions. I even made a schedule for myself, and hopefully I will stick to it. 

  Now, everywhere I turn I see that same verse displayed or mentioned. I think it's about time I be still.

Where to go from here

  This is my last week at my internship. Many people have already asked, and I'm sure many more will, "what are you going to do now?" My answer: I have no clue. There is so much pressure in our society to be successful, and success looks different for everyone. I've never been set on one specific careerpath. Only recently have I endeavored to set up a 5-year plan, which I'm sure some of you must be surprised since it's in my nature to plan years ahead. Honestly, I've always known that my future was open, and I have no control over what will happen. So, rather than planning it out, I left it up to God to lead me in the way I should go. Right now, I feel strongly that I am to be still and seek after Him.

  Maybe I'm crazy to be waiting on divine intervention to show me where to start, but I've been relying on my own strength to get me through life since my childhood. I sought God when I needed emotional support, but I never really needed Him to get by in anything else. Instead, I worked really hard to accomplish my own idea of success.

  I'm reading Radical: Taking Back Your Faith from the American Dream by David Platt. It's a really good book, and I'd recommend it for anyone. Before I started reading it I had come to a realization that my perfectionism still has a hold on my life. This drives me to work really hard to be the best. That has always been my goal--in essence, to exult myself above everyone else, not just in one field, but in everything I do with no one's help. Does that not sound sickening--especially for one who calls herself a child of God? I feel convicted.

  In this book, Platt pretty much uncovers the western church's complete investment into the idea of the "American Dream," and how it goes directly against Christ's teachings. In one of the chapters, he points out that we keep on searching for God's will in our lives when He lays it out quite simply for us in His Word: we are to bring Him glory and go make disciples of all the nations. We are too comfortable and self-absorbed to respond to His commands for us. We pawn it off on people who are "called" into ministry. Certainly we can witness in our own backyard, but for so many of us, that "witness" looks a lot like keeping silent and pursuing our own goals--maybe letting people know that we are Christians and waiting for them to come to us with questions. Why have we become so timid when our God is so powerful? 

  This book further convicted me (along with a friend's sermon on being too comfortable, aptly placed at this point in my life) and I am choosing this end (of my internship) as an opportunity to truly recklessly abandon my own will to God's, taking off my pride and seeking His kingdom. I am at the end of myself. It's scary. It's uncomfortable. But, it's where God works.

The Meaning of Life

Many people search high and low for the answer to this complicated question. What is the meaning of life? It seems like an odd question to me. I would first tell anyone who'd ask me that question to look in the dictionary.

Life: (n.)

1. the condition that distinguishes organisms from inorganic objects and dead organisms, being manifested by growth through metabolism, reproduction, and the power of adaptation to environment through changes originating internally.
2. the sum of the distinguishing phenomena of organisms, especially metabolism, growth, reproduction, and adaptation to environment.
3. the animate existence or period of animate existence of an individual: to risk one's life; a short life and a merry one.
4. a corresponding state, existence, or principle of existence conceived of as belonging to the soul: eternal life.
5. the general or universal condition of human existence...

Didn't know you could find the meaning of "life" in the dictionary, did you?

You may be familiar with the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy answer of "42." If that's true, it's pretty disappointing.

I wouldn't suggest watching Monty Python's The Meaning of Life, but after much nonsense it's answer seems to be relatively adequate. "Try and be nice to people, avoid eating fat, read a good book every now and then, get some walking in, and try and live together in peace and harmony with people of all creeds and nations."

All joking aside, this is a pretty heavy question. 

I was thinking about it this morning. 

I've come to find that we each desire to love and be loved. We were never meant to be alone. 

I believe that we were created for relationships. We can try to fill that desire with fellow humans, but we are imperfect, so our relationships will be. When we seek and find our Creator, we come to realize that a relationship with Him was what we were looking for all along. He is perfect, so He can love us perfectly. Once we find Him, it's our privilege to direct others to Him. 

When we are in relationship with our Creator, He gives us the ability to have deeper, more authentic relationships with others. Our capacity to love grows as He shows us how to do so.

Life is about this community and communion with God. 

I can't pretend to know all of the answers to life's questions. This is my imperfect attempt at answering this one, based on my personal thoughts and beliefs. What are your thoughts?

Life can be good

You know, it's tough getting started in the real world. Sometimes it takes longer than you think it should. Sometimes it seems like everyone else around you has got themselves together and has figured it all out, leaving you behind in the dust wondering when it's going to be your turn. If you're that person, it's likely that you struggle with patience. I know I do. 

Life can be scary when you're unsure where you're going to go, but keep your head up. It gets better. 

Eventually, something is going to happen that will make it all worth it. And in hindsight, you'll see that the period of waiting for your life to start had a purpose. You'll see that you've learned some valuable lessons, and there's a good chance that you've grown tremendously through it. 

I'm getting there now. My love proposed to me a couple of weeks ago, and I'm planning a wedding that I don't care so much about--I'm more excited about afterwards, being married to the man of my dreams. I couldn't have picked a better guy to spend the rest of my life with. The funny thing is--I didn't pick him.

I'm in an internship doing work that I actually enjoy rather than tolerate, and I quit my retail job.

The best part is seeing how far I've come in just this past year. By the grace of God, I am constantly growing and changing to become the person God made me to be. I'm learning to love in deed and truth, and I'm learning that grace is not something to be hoarded, but given out freely. I'm excited for what the future may hold, but right now it's time for some more waiting. I'm ok with that.

New Projects

  It's almost summer, and planner that I am, I've started some new projects to fill up my time. First off, I will be starting a full-time summer Admin internship next Monday. Additionally, I'll be working on rewriting a book. I'm also helping my boyfriend remodel and redecorate his house. I've volunteered to direct a church play over the summer, I'm coordinating a quarterly open mic night at church, and I'm still involved in local anti-human trafficking efforts. I'm still holding two jobs (Kohl's and a small cleaning job) on the side, as well. Am I starting to feel a bit overwhelmed? Heck yes. Do I think I can do it all? Probably not--certainly not on my own.

  If you haven't noticed, I have a tendency to get in way over my head. I'll probably have to drop more than one of these projects, but for now, I'm going to give 'em all I got 'til I burn out. Wish me luck!

Going Back

Earlier this week, I drove across the state to visit my friends back at school and prepare for walking in my graduation. Although I already have my diploma, I guess my graduation isn't official until I move my tassel over. Many of my friends are now just dealing with the fact that they won't see each other everyday anymore--a fact I came to realize back in December. I'd like to say that we'll all stay in touch, but the truth is I will probably not hear from half of them, and those that I do keep in contact with, I don't talk to nearly as much as I would have liked. I'm not terribly saddened by this even though I do miss these friends. Life goes on. We get busy with our jobs, families, and other actives. We make new friends, we remember old friends, and we cherish each moment we had with all of them. You never know how much you affect those around you, so make the most of it.

Perspective: part 2

I've learned to be content with my current job in retail, and since then my hours have dropped drastically. I think it's time to go out and start my search again. I honestly would be happy with whatever job I can get that would give me the hours and challenge that I need. You see, the problem with working retail is that I can feel my brain turning to mush. I try to keep it active by completing a sudoku puzzle a day, writing, and engaging in stimulating conversation, but I do feel that I need a job that requires some brainwork as well. So, my search is back on. My life has been greatly improved in these last few weeks, so I feel rejuvenated and ready to go.