Crunch Time

It's 24 days until my wedding. Weird. Time really flies, and since I did most of the planning myself, I may be freaking out a bit. I don't know how everything is going to come together. And I won't know until the day of since a dear friend has volunteered to coordinate everything for me the day of. I'm nervous. I've been having nightmares. I'm going over every detail almost daily. 

Last night I had my first dream of being married to my fiancé. It was a really pleasant breath of fresh air, and it reminded me why I'm doing this. I love Benjamin more each day for unquantifiable reasons. I can't wait to spend the rest of my life waking up next to him and ending my day with him. Plus, I'm excited for not using a tank of gas every week. 

In all honesty, I'd be happy having a simple picnic with close family rather than something extravagant. The only reason I'm throwing this huge shindig is to make everyone happy....and to be able to show it off on Pinterest. 

I don't know how pinteresting it'll be. I just hope everyone has a good time. Most of all, I'll be happy to be Mrs. Lewis by the end of the day. 

Tips for a Successful Marriage

Since I have my wedding coming up in 3 months (and I couldn't be more excited), I've been spending my time preparing for married life, reading up on blogs and books, receiving pre-marital counseling from 2 pastors I respect, and praying--a lot. I still think it's funny that although I do put some importance in the wedding day, I basically see it as a means to an end. I'm more excited to spend the rest of my life with the love of my life.

As I've been reading various blogs giving tips on how to have a marriage that lasts or secrets to a successful marriage, I have a hard time taking most of them seriously. Now, I may change my tune in a few years, but as of now most of these blogs are unhelpful. One tells me to hold hands with my husband, another study shows that couples who post public displays of affection on facebook stay together longer. Each of these cite what I see as the product of  love to be the cause. Couples who can't keep their hands to themselves (whether they're in their twenties or sixties) touch each other because they want to. They want to touch each other because they love each other. Couples posting on facebook are posting because they're happy, not in hopes to become happy.

In my opinion, couples who love each other (and express that love) stay together. These other things come naturally to those who express their love in those ways. Now, I'm a firm believer that love is a choice that we must make every day since the day we make a vow to love someone "'til death do us part." Some days that choice will be easy, some days it won't. When we make that choice to love our spouse, we are choosing also to continue to put them above ourselves. We are choosing to remind them of our love--whatever that looks like for them (Think: Five Love Languages). I thank God that He brought me someone who expresses his love the same way I do. For others, it's a learning curve. In time, though, it'll come easily.

Most importantly, couples who love God more than their partners and keep Him as the foundation for their marriage will benefit from a long-lasting marriage. God at the center really makes a difference, as He is love and gives us the ability to love.

When something holds you back, cut it off OR let God do it.

   I'm working on a poem that came to me while driving on i 78. I was struck by how the morning sun is able to transform ugly, bare trees into a beautiful golden-red landscape. Many times the winter gets to me. Some might call it seasonal depression, but I'm rarely seriously depressed, just sad when it feels like spring will never come. The weather has been like that lately. But, God showed me something that morning: Light transformed these dead branches into something beautiful. We can be going through the ugliest of times, the longest winters, the deepest valleys, and yet when we cling to the Light, He makes something beautiful out of us. 

   I started reading All In by Mark Batterson last night, after hearing about it for the past few months. It's much like Radical and many other books out there challenging Christians to start following Jesus rather than living a Christianized version of the American Dream. This is an issue I firmly believe we need to address. We are called to drop everything and follow Him. Reason tells us that we should invest our money for retirement, take care of our needs by providing a safe home for our family, feed that family, pay the bills, be responsible. Each of these duties are important. I would not encourage anyone to ignore basic needs. But where is the line between living responsibly and living for yourself? This is something I've been struggling to find, hoping to find this answer in one of these books. 

   Batterson states that we are to consecrate ourselves to God and leave it up to God to do the rest. (Consecrate: [v] dedicate solemnly to a service or goal, sanctify, declare or set apart as sacred, to appropriate to sacred uses; to set apart, dedicate, or devote to the service or worship of God) He says consecrating ourselves is telling God that we are "all in," that we mean business about this following Jesus thing. 

   I've been of this mindset for quite some time now, waiting for something to happen, for God to use me for some awesome works. It's frustrating when I don't see it. It's not working, I think, What did I do wrong? I don't hear a voice telling me to sell all of my possessions and give to the poor or to move to Guatemala and work with victims of abuse. Nothing is clear to me despite the fact that my prayer has always been to follow God's will for my life. What am I supposed to do? Wait. Rest. Patience has been the name of the game for me.

   I think God is still working on my pride because, honestly, it's still there. I want to live for God's glory--I do, but I also want some glory for myself. I want people to look at me and say, "She really loves God. I want to be just like her." I wish I could say that I don't care what people think of me, that God's stamp of approval is enough. This pride is what got me in trouble in the first place. It's always been my downfall. Man looks at outward appearances, but God looks at the heart. I try to satisfy both. Well, you can't serve two masters, and in this way I guess I am not "all in," but I want to be. 

   I want to change. I want God to change my heart so that I give Him all the glory. I seek to be emptied of myself and filled with humility, selflessness, and Him. I can't do it myself. My best efforts are like filthy rags. No, only God can change me, so I pray He does.

Be Still

  In my last post, I wrote about this time of rest I was entering into. Two months later, and I finally realize what exactly that means. I'm beginning to sound like a broken record, but apparently this is one lesson I have a hard time learning. 

  Once again I've put myself in an overwhelming, overcommitted position. I think I do it for fear of being called lazy, or perhaps fear of boredom or depression. I don't like having free time because it gives me a lot of time to think. I am a very melancholy person, so leaving me alone for long periods of time can be dangerous. At the same time, I do enjoy alone time because I am an introvert--I get energy from being alone. I need to accept that I am not who I once was. I shouldn't fear of being alone because I know God is with me all the time. I also know that I am in a much better place in my life right now than I was in my past.

  So, when I was given the verse, "be still and know that I am God" (Psalms 46:10), a few days ago, I realized that I have not been resting as I felt led to do. It's funny that when I decided to actually be still, I realized that I didn't have time to. Discussing my current priorities and commitments with a close friend, I noticed that I once again have overcommitted myself. So, I am cutting back and prioritizing the things that matter to me, like relationships, rest, and a few of my passions. I even made a schedule for myself, and hopefully I will stick to it. 

  Now, everywhere I turn I see that same verse displayed or mentioned. I think it's about time I be still.

Where to go from here

  This is my last week at my internship. Many people have already asked, and I'm sure many more will, "what are you going to do now?" My answer: I have no clue. There is so much pressure in our society to be successful, and success looks different for everyone. I've never been set on one specific careerpath. Only recently have I endeavored to set up a 5-year plan, which I'm sure some of you must be surprised since it's in my nature to plan years ahead. Honestly, I've always known that my future was open, and I have no control over what will happen. So, rather than planning it out, I left it up to God to lead me in the way I should go. Right now, I feel strongly that I am to be still and seek after Him.

  Maybe I'm crazy to be waiting on divine intervention to show me where to start, but I've been relying on my own strength to get me through life since my childhood. I sought God when I needed emotional support, but I never really needed Him to get by in anything else. Instead, I worked really hard to accomplish my own idea of success.

  I'm reading Radical: Taking Back Your Faith from the American Dream by David Platt. It's a really good book, and I'd recommend it for anyone. Before I started reading it I had come to a realization that my perfectionism still has a hold on my life. This drives me to work really hard to be the best. That has always been my goal--in essence, to exult myself above everyone else, not just in one field, but in everything I do with no one's help. Does that not sound sickening--especially for one who calls herself a child of God? I feel convicted.

  In this book, Platt pretty much uncovers the western church's complete investment into the idea of the "American Dream," and how it goes directly against Christ's teachings. In one of the chapters, he points out that we keep on searching for God's will in our lives when He lays it out quite simply for us in His Word: we are to bring Him glory and go make disciples of all the nations. We are too comfortable and self-absorbed to respond to His commands for us. We pawn it off on people who are "called" into ministry. Certainly we can witness in our own backyard, but for so many of us, that "witness" looks a lot like keeping silent and pursuing our own goals--maybe letting people know that we are Christians and waiting for them to come to us with questions. Why have we become so timid when our God is so powerful? 

  This book further convicted me (along with a friend's sermon on being too comfortable, aptly placed at this point in my life) and I am choosing this end (of my internship) as an opportunity to truly recklessly abandon my own will to God's, taking off my pride and seeking His kingdom. I am at the end of myself. It's scary. It's uncomfortable. But, it's where God works.

The Meaning of Life

Many people search high and low for the answer to this complicated question. What is the meaning of life? It seems like an odd question to me. I would first tell anyone who'd ask me that question to look in the dictionary.

Life: (n.)

1. the condition that distinguishes organisms from inorganic objects and dead organisms, being manifested by growth through metabolism, reproduction, and the power of adaptation to environment through changes originating internally.
2. the sum of the distinguishing phenomena of organisms, especially metabolism, growth, reproduction, and adaptation to environment.
3. the animate existence or period of animate existence of an individual: to risk one's life; a short life and a merry one.
4. a corresponding state, existence, or principle of existence conceived of as belonging to the soul: eternal life.
5. the general or universal condition of human existence...

Didn't know you could find the meaning of "life" in the dictionary, did you?

You may be familiar with the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy answer of "42." If that's true, it's pretty disappointing.

I wouldn't suggest watching Monty Python's The Meaning of Life, but after much nonsense it's answer seems to be relatively adequate. "Try and be nice to people, avoid eating fat, read a good book every now and then, get some walking in, and try and live together in peace and harmony with people of all creeds and nations."

All joking aside, this is a pretty heavy question. 

I was thinking about it this morning. 

I've come to find that we each desire to love and be loved. We were never meant to be alone. 

I believe that we were created for relationships. We can try to fill that desire with fellow humans, but we are imperfect, so our relationships will be. When we seek and find our Creator, we come to realize that a relationship with Him was what we were looking for all along. He is perfect, so He can love us perfectly. Once we find Him, it's our privilege to direct others to Him. 

When we are in relationship with our Creator, He gives us the ability to have deeper, more authentic relationships with others. Our capacity to love grows as He shows us how to do so.

Life is about this community and communion with God. 

I can't pretend to know all of the answers to life's questions. This is my imperfect attempt at answering this one, based on my personal thoughts and beliefs. What are your thoughts?

Life can be good

You know, it's tough getting started in the real world. Sometimes it takes longer than you think it should. Sometimes it seems like everyone else around you has got themselves together and has figured it all out, leaving you behind in the dust wondering when it's going to be your turn. If you're that person, it's likely that you struggle with patience. I know I do. 

Life can be scary when you're unsure where you're going to go, but keep your head up. It gets better. 

Eventually, something is going to happen that will make it all worth it. And in hindsight, you'll see that the period of waiting for your life to start had a purpose. You'll see that you've learned some valuable lessons, and there's a good chance that you've grown tremendously through it. 

I'm getting there now. My love proposed to me a couple of weeks ago, and I'm planning a wedding that I don't care so much about--I'm more excited about afterwards, being married to the man of my dreams. I couldn't have picked a better guy to spend the rest of my life with. The funny thing is--I didn't pick him.

I'm in an internship doing work that I actually enjoy rather than tolerate, and I quit my retail job.

The best part is seeing how far I've come in just this past year. By the grace of God, I am constantly growing and changing to become the person God made me to be. I'm learning to love in deed and truth, and I'm learning that grace is not something to be hoarded, but given out freely. I'm excited for what the future may hold, but right now it's time for some more waiting. I'm ok with that.