Going Back

Earlier this week, I drove across the state to visit my friends back at school and prepare for walking in my graduation. Although I already have my diploma, I guess my graduation isn't official until I move my tassel over. Many of my friends are now just dealing with the fact that they won't see each other everyday anymore--a fact I came to realize back in December. I'd like to say that we'll all stay in touch, but the truth is I will probably not hear from half of them, and those that I do keep in contact with, I don't talk to nearly as much as I would have liked. I'm not terribly saddened by this even though I do miss these friends. Life goes on. We get busy with our jobs, families, and other actives. We make new friends, we remember old friends, and we cherish each moment we had with all of them. You never know how much you affect those around you, so make the most of it.

Perspective: part 2

I've learned to be content with my current job in retail, and since then my hours have dropped drastically. I think it's time to go out and start my search again. I honestly would be happy with whatever job I can get that would give me the hours and challenge that I need. You see, the problem with working retail is that I can feel my brain turning to mush. I try to keep it active by completing a sudoku puzzle a day, writing, and engaging in stimulating conversation, but I do feel that I need a job that requires some brainwork as well. So, my search is back on. My life has been greatly improved in these last few weeks, so I feel rejuvenated and ready to go. 

Writer's Block

After failing to get yet another job, I realized something this week. I'm mostly unmotivated to start my "career" because I don't want to do any of these jobs that I've been applying for. I can start my career whenever I want to because my career is writing. I just need to sit down and write! I never wanted a normal 9-5 job in an office somewhere. The only person I ever wanted to answer to (besides God and my future husband) was my agent. Sure, I wonder what it would be like to go down a different careerpath, but I chose this one for a reason. God knows whatever reason that might be; I'm still trying to figure it out. Rather than get myself down for not finding a job I don't want to do, I'm choosing now to take advantage of where I am because, honestly, this is where I wanted to be. It's time to thrive.
Hi-ho, hi-ho...

Perspective

    I've had it pretty good my entire life. Yeah, I dealt with bullies, went through my fair share of drama in adolescence, and it may have taken me a while to embrace who I am, but honestly? My life looks like a cakewalk. I just started reading Cry Silent Tears by Joe Peters, and I read part of Gordon Ramsay's Humble Pie a little over a month ago. I've also heard countless stories of human trafficking victims, rape victims, and unloved children abandoned on the streets. Society is steadily becoming more aware of the atrocities that innocent children face, and activists are working hard to amend these evils inflicted on victims by the people who should be protecting and loving them. Some sympathetic people may see these evils and question why a loving God would allow them to go on. Explaining it away simply as a consequence of one's sin seems unfair. Why should the innocent suffer? I have no answer. I cannot explain it except for the root cause of sin. Humankind is--at its core--evil. There are sadistic, crazy people out there preying on the weak. But, there is hope. God came down to change our selfish natures in the form of Jesus. I could go on forever talking about the effect He has on people and what He did to change us, but I'll let it be. If you want to talk, message me.
    All this to say that I am remarkably blessed to have had an uneventful life. I am not gloating in my fortune, but I understand that things could have been entirely different had I been born into another family, country, or belief system. Most of my mild misfortunes were self-inflicted--direct consequences of my own actions. Growing up, I sulked in my misery, throwing pity parties for being slighted by friends or verbally bashed by bullies. My mother rarely showed me any kind of sympathy--probably because she knew that I was far better off than some other kids my age. I was even bitter towards her for not being understanding. Now, I see that she was showing me a little bit of tough love. Life's not fair. People are mean. It's not always about me, so I really shouldn't take it personally. I had to learn that. The small troubles I faced as a kid shaped my character today. I now see the incidents in my life leading up to today as a blessing. I know that I'll face some more trials in the future. I might even face some "real" trials. (All trials, no matter how small, are still real trials although some may only consider the big ones "real.") I am equipped when they come with a hope from God. If He can get me through the little stuff, how much more will he take care of me when my life falls to shambles?
    Just because life has the capacity to suck, doesn't mean it will. I'm going to keep on living and enjoying today because worrying about whether or not I'm going to ever be able to do what I love will only hinder me from actually doing it. I want to be a world changer. I need to mobilize in order to fulfill my dreams. Fear of failure or rejection is going to paralyze me no longer. I will not sulk in self-pity because my job is less than I had hoped, and I'm barely making ends meet and stuck living at home with my parents. I will not despair because I've been temporarily separated from the love of my life. No. I count it a blessing that my parents are willing to put me up and that I have a job. I will soon be reunited with him with a deeper love than I have ever experienced before. And through it all, God has been there, pursuing my heart and holding me close. I am truly blessed. You are, too. I don't know what you've been through or are going through now, but there is some good in there. You may have to search for it to see it, but it's there. If anything, there is a God who loves you and wants the best for you, whether or not you believe in Him. As Sonny says in the Best Exotic Marigold Hotel, "Everything will be all right in the end... if it's not all right then it's not yet the end."

Free Time

   I have a lot of it. I'm sure you don't want to read a rant about how I choose to spend it, so I'll save you that heartache. When you graduate from the highest form of education you plan on graduating from, you will inevitably find that you have way too much free time--that is, unless you're fortunate enough to dive right into your career of choice. Even then, you aren't spending time studying or doing homework, and your friends and roommates are no longer around to play Super Smash Bros. or go on Sheetz runs (it was the only non-shady late-night alternative to McDonald's in Waynesburg).
   I remember the days that I longed for more free time. Of course, when I was in school, the only free time I had was around ten or eleven at night because I had a tendency to overwork myself. My last semester, I recognized this problem and changed my work schedule to give me a day off on Sunday....to do my homework.
   Although work has picked up since January (the absolute worst month to work retail), I really only get 24 hours, tops, a week. As a writer, I was looking forward to having time to start a novel or improve the plethora of poems I've written or perhaps write another play. I was going to be productive and start my writing career. I feel great when I write. Some people use drugs to get high, all I need is a good idea and an open Word document. When I write, I know that I was meant to be a writer. Lately, though, I haven't been motivated to write anything. It's kind of depressing, actually. As I get gloomier, the less motivated I am, and it's a downward spiral of non-productivity. I've been told by another writer that the key to being successful is to keep on writing no matter how unmotivated you are. I suppose I have to remind myself that I am still writing, even if it's nothing creative. I write letters to friends, and I'm writing this blog. 
   If I could give any advice to other young adults nearing the end of their school career and joining the "real world," I would tell you to fill up your free time with the things you love doing, especially if your job is not your "dream job" (as is most likely the case). You are young, so don't waste around watching TV or playing video games by yourself (at least include a friend).

Just in case anyone is wondering I fill up my free time by: reading, sketching, visiting friends, writing, cleaning my house (which I actually kind of enjoy), and dancing around my room to good music.

The Importance of Relationships

  People don't really warn you about life after college is over. I know it's different for everyone, and it is what you make it, but I think my experience is quite a bit more common than it's admitted to be. I went away to school. I also found out that I really loved the area I grew up in when I was away, so I decided to move back home...and move in with my parents. They're gracious enough to let me stay here without paying rent, and right now, that is all I can afford. There is one issue with living here, though. I have very few friends here. I guess I was spoiled with never moving or changing schools or whatever when I was younger. I grew up with the same people in my life from day 1 (or close to it). Going away to school--having to make new friends--was a completely new experience for me, but I rose to the occasion. I made a lot of friends my freshman year, and developed some really close relationships as the years went by. Meanwhile, I tried to stay in touch with my friends from high school, but I honestly had very little in common with many of them in the first place.
   My friendship-base from home whittled down to the few that I truly felt kinship with. Unfortunately, half of them decided to move away. This left me with two close friends, and one friend with whom I see regularly for the sake of our past friendship. People tell you that it's going to be hard to maintain your friendships once school is over, but they really downplay just how difficult it is--or how awkward. Schedules, kids, whatever-you-name-it all get in the way of being able to fellowship and invest your time with others. So, having all of this free time, and no one to spend it with can get a bit depressing.
  Fortunately, making new friends goes along with becoming more involved with your church (or other organizations). This was part of the reason why I wanted to become more involved. I knew that I was going to feel lonely being separated from most of my close friends. I started out investing most of my energy on one new friend, but circumstances temporarily took that friend away from me, and I was forced to seek kinship elsewhere. Two more people sprang up when I needed them, and I am thoroughly enjoying building a relationship with each of them.
  We are relational people. "People need people." We weren't made to "go it alone." Mostly, in this transitional stage in my life, I've been learning not just to lean on God, but that He also desires a deep, meaningful relationship with us. We are created in His image, so perhaps there's a part of Him that needs fellowship, too. While working out my relationships with other people, I've also been working out my relationship with the Father and my Beloved. I am grateful for the people He has placed in my life, and I'm excited to see how things play out with each of them, but I'm also excited to see what our relationships will teach us about Him.

Reaching my Goals

   Remember that extensive list of "short-term" goals I posted? Well, all this free time has really allowed me to tackle some of them. I've downloaded a language learning app on my phone, and I've taken some of the French lessons (I know how to say "Bonjour Monsieur, Comment allez vous?"), I've made a point to see local friends and write to distant ones, and I've gotten really involved with my church. In fact, I'm helping to run an open mic night tonight (shameless plug), along with doing some other things. I still haven't finished Les Miserables, which I started when I got home, but I've read some other books in the meantime. I started yoga...and stopped. Writing has come in spurts. I haven't touched any of my poems from school, but I've written some new ones, plus--what do you think I'm doing right now? I'm telling myself that I'm being productive by writing a blog. I did write a children's book to pay for all of my real writing, but I'm not motivated to sketch the illustrations. I'm not really an illustrator. It's actually a bit of a disaster, but I would like to say that I illustrated my own book, so I'm stuck. On a brighter note, things seem to be moving, albeit slowly, towards my dream of working with human trafficking victims right here in the Valley! If all goes well and God willing, it might take care of two of my goals: involvement in solution to human trafficking + get a job.
   That's about where my goal meeting has stopped. Honestly, I do feel like I've accomplished much in this time of waiting. Patience has never been a strong suit for me, so it's stretching me. I do see that I've grown a lot in the past two and a half months, but I still have bad days. All of my free time has completely underwhelmed me, which is a new feeling for me. I'm used to being so busy that I get overwhelmed and eventually have a mental and emotional break down. I think I may have over-compensated for the past ten years or so in these recent months. I have to keep on going or I'll end up having days in which I spend all day in bed. Limbo sucks sometimes.