Self-Acceptance

An idea is germinating in me. It's an idea I've long been grappling. Who am I--really?

Years of living behind a mask, a self-inflicted performance created to obtain acceptance and accolades, have stunted my growth into my own skin. I think this is a major epidemic in society as a whole, but mostly within Christian households.

A few years ago, I was a year into my college career and asking that same question, "Who am I?" At that moment, I came to the wrong conclusion that sounded so much like the right one. You see, I decided that I needed to accept myself, wholly, for who I believed I was created to be. I needed to embrace EVERY aspect of myself, which included my sinful desires--especially my sinful desires. I had come to the conclusion that I--at the core of who I am and who God created me to be--was undeniably and irrevocably promiscuous, and for God to really use me, I needed to release that (very hidden) side of me. (I was overcompensating for my perfectionist tendencies.)

Looking back now, I see how naive I was. I was so eager to reinvent myself that I ended up losing myself to a twisted logic. That decision cost me my virginity, but I do not mourn that so much as the wasted time, broken psyche, and deep depression that ensued.

I do not believe that I asked the wrong question, nor do I think that my conclusion was far off. The issue with my conclusion was one that comes to a lot of people when faced with a decision. Sometimes, we settle for answers that almost sound perfect. They just slightly miss the mark. These answers mimic truth so well that we choose to ignore the flashing warning signs that might indicate their deception.

Do not be mistaken, it is deception.

It's near-truths and almost-rights that send us so far off course. It's an ancient tactic used by Satan from the dawn of time.
"If you eat the fruit, you won't die (at least not right away)." He says to Eve.

We need to take the time to step back before diving into a decision or a conclusion to assess it fully. Look at the warning signs. Do not let impatience prompt you into a decision you are going to regret in the future.

I am still forming my answer to the question of "Who am I?" today. I believe that I was right in my conclusion that I needed to accept myself for who I am. I am not who I thought I was. I defined myself by an attribute that came as a result of humanity's downfall rather than how I specifically was created--in God's image.

The correct answer to "Who am I?" lies in the need to realize my strengths and weaknesses, cultivate my passions and talents, and stop trying to be something I'm not.

I can utilize my strengths and talents while pursuing my passions and allowing God's power to shine through my weaknesses.

So, who am I?
The answer isn't simple, and it's something I'm learning a little more of each day.

The Forgotten Sin

Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions,... (Galatians 5:19-20 ESV)

When looking at this passage, it's so easy for us to focus on the "big sins," pointing out sexual immorality, idolatry, anger, etc. So many times we read through this (what seems like) never-ending list of works of the flesh and skip over a couple key points hidden in the middle. In fact, it seems like one of the biggest traits of the modern-day church is division. We separate ourselves by how we worship, interpretations of the Bible, or what we focus on.  

 Churches seem to split left and right over disagreements in leadership or a part of ministry. We feel like we have to clarify which type of Christian we are. And although we are all supposed to be a part of one unified body, we still pass judgement on other parts or even consider them foes. The thing is, I'm not immune to this phenomenon. I've grown up with my own ideas about other denominations, and I've even stepped away from the church in it's entirety because I nit-picked every church in town (a town that had more churches than restaurants). 

 The thing is, we're human. It's easy to make excuses for dissension and division. We get hurt. We have a major disagreement. We think others' methods are outright wrong. The thing about being a Christ-follower, though, is that He calls us to put all that aside. We are to forget ourselves and seek Him first. We are to put our brothers and sisters ahead of ourselves. We are to be open and honest and work out our differences. We are called to be unified, celebrate the differences, and extend the grace God continually gives us each day. 

 The devil knows this. I could even argue that his favorite method is divide and conquer. When we are so focused on fighting each other, we forget who the real enemy is. Prayers go unsaid, people go unheard, and the Gospel remains hidden. He likes to play to our pride or our past or whatever it is that will separate us from the community God has put us in. 

 I don't care what church you go to or what brand of Christianity you adhere to. Either way, I hope to see you in heaven. For now, I believe the Kingdom of Heaven on earth is in need of some repairs. The sinews of Christ's body need to grow back together because together we are far stronger than we could ever be apart. 

 When I would have fights with my friends growing up, my mother often quoted what I now know to be a verse in the Bible. She said a cord of 3 is not easily broken, meaning that on our own we are weaker than we are together, and with Christ we are nearly invincible. Let's not forget that.

Crunch Time

It's 24 days until my wedding. Weird. Time really flies, and since I did most of the planning myself, I may be freaking out a bit. I don't know how everything is going to come together. And I won't know until the day of since a dear friend has volunteered to coordinate everything for me the day of. I'm nervous. I've been having nightmares. I'm going over every detail almost daily. 

Last night I had my first dream of being married to my fiancé. It was a really pleasant breath of fresh air, and it reminded me why I'm doing this. I love Benjamin more each day for unquantifiable reasons. I can't wait to spend the rest of my life waking up next to him and ending my day with him. Plus, I'm excited for not using a tank of gas every week. 

In all honesty, I'd be happy having a simple picnic with close family rather than something extravagant. The only reason I'm throwing this huge shindig is to make everyone happy....and to be able to show it off on Pinterest. 

I don't know how pinteresting it'll be. I just hope everyone has a good time. Most of all, I'll be happy to be Mrs. Lewis by the end of the day. 

Tips for a Successful Marriage

Since I have my wedding coming up in 3 months (and I couldn't be more excited), I've been spending my time preparing for married life, reading up on blogs and books, receiving pre-marital counseling from 2 pastors I respect, and praying--a lot. I still think it's funny that although I do put some importance in the wedding day, I basically see it as a means to an end. I'm more excited to spend the rest of my life with the love of my life.

As I've been reading various blogs giving tips on how to have a marriage that lasts or secrets to a successful marriage, I have a hard time taking most of them seriously. Now, I may change my tune in a few years, but as of now most of these blogs are unhelpful. One tells me to hold hands with my husband, another study shows that couples who post public displays of affection on facebook stay together longer. Each of these cite what I see as the product of  love to be the cause. Couples who can't keep their hands to themselves (whether they're in their twenties or sixties) touch each other because they want to. They want to touch each other because they love each other. Couples posting on facebook are posting because they're happy, not in hopes to become happy.

In my opinion, couples who love each other (and express that love) stay together. These other things come naturally to those who express their love in those ways. Now, I'm a firm believer that love is a choice that we must make every day since the day we make a vow to love someone "'til death do us part." Some days that choice will be easy, some days it won't. When we make that choice to love our spouse, we are choosing also to continue to put them above ourselves. We are choosing to remind them of our love--whatever that looks like for them (Think: Five Love Languages). I thank God that He brought me someone who expresses his love the same way I do. For others, it's a learning curve. In time, though, it'll come easily.

Most importantly, couples who love God more than their partners and keep Him as the foundation for their marriage will benefit from a long-lasting marriage. God at the center really makes a difference, as He is love and gives us the ability to love.

When something holds you back, cut it off OR let God do it.

   I'm working on a poem that came to me while driving on i 78. I was struck by how the morning sun is able to transform ugly, bare trees into a beautiful golden-red landscape. Many times the winter gets to me. Some might call it seasonal depression, but I'm rarely seriously depressed, just sad when it feels like spring will never come. The weather has been like that lately. But, God showed me something that morning: Light transformed these dead branches into something beautiful. We can be going through the ugliest of times, the longest winters, the deepest valleys, and yet when we cling to the Light, He makes something beautiful out of us. 

   I started reading All In by Mark Batterson last night, after hearing about it for the past few months. It's much like Radical and many other books out there challenging Christians to start following Jesus rather than living a Christianized version of the American Dream. This is an issue I firmly believe we need to address. We are called to drop everything and follow Him. Reason tells us that we should invest our money for retirement, take care of our needs by providing a safe home for our family, feed that family, pay the bills, be responsible. Each of these duties are important. I would not encourage anyone to ignore basic needs. But where is the line between living responsibly and living for yourself? This is something I've been struggling to find, hoping to find this answer in one of these books. 

   Batterson states that we are to consecrate ourselves to God and leave it up to God to do the rest. (Consecrate: [v] dedicate solemnly to a service or goal, sanctify, declare or set apart as sacred, to appropriate to sacred uses; to set apart, dedicate, or devote to the service or worship of God) He says consecrating ourselves is telling God that we are "all in," that we mean business about this following Jesus thing. 

   I've been of this mindset for quite some time now, waiting for something to happen, for God to use me for some awesome works. It's frustrating when I don't see it. It's not working, I think, What did I do wrong? I don't hear a voice telling me to sell all of my possessions and give to the poor or to move to Guatemala and work with victims of abuse. Nothing is clear to me despite the fact that my prayer has always been to follow God's will for my life. What am I supposed to do? Wait. Rest. Patience has been the name of the game for me.

   I think God is still working on my pride because, honestly, it's still there. I want to live for God's glory--I do, but I also want some glory for myself. I want people to look at me and say, "She really loves God. I want to be just like her." I wish I could say that I don't care what people think of me, that God's stamp of approval is enough. This pride is what got me in trouble in the first place. It's always been my downfall. Man looks at outward appearances, but God looks at the heart. I try to satisfy both. Well, you can't serve two masters, and in this way I guess I am not "all in," but I want to be. 

   I want to change. I want God to change my heart so that I give Him all the glory. I seek to be emptied of myself and filled with humility, selflessness, and Him. I can't do it myself. My best efforts are like filthy rags. No, only God can change me, so I pray He does.

Be Still

  In my last post, I wrote about this time of rest I was entering into. Two months later, and I finally realize what exactly that means. I'm beginning to sound like a broken record, but apparently this is one lesson I have a hard time learning. 

  Once again I've put myself in an overwhelming, overcommitted position. I think I do it for fear of being called lazy, or perhaps fear of boredom or depression. I don't like having free time because it gives me a lot of time to think. I am a very melancholy person, so leaving me alone for long periods of time can be dangerous. At the same time, I do enjoy alone time because I am an introvert--I get energy from being alone. I need to accept that I am not who I once was. I shouldn't fear of being alone because I know God is with me all the time. I also know that I am in a much better place in my life right now than I was in my past.

  So, when I was given the verse, "be still and know that I am God" (Psalms 46:10), a few days ago, I realized that I have not been resting as I felt led to do. It's funny that when I decided to actually be still, I realized that I didn't have time to. Discussing my current priorities and commitments with a close friend, I noticed that I once again have overcommitted myself. So, I am cutting back and prioritizing the things that matter to me, like relationships, rest, and a few of my passions. I even made a schedule for myself, and hopefully I will stick to it. 

  Now, everywhere I turn I see that same verse displayed or mentioned. I think it's about time I be still.

Where to go from here

  This is my last week at my internship. Many people have already asked, and I'm sure many more will, "what are you going to do now?" My answer: I have no clue. There is so much pressure in our society to be successful, and success looks different for everyone. I've never been set on one specific careerpath. Only recently have I endeavored to set up a 5-year plan, which I'm sure some of you must be surprised since it's in my nature to plan years ahead. Honestly, I've always known that my future was open, and I have no control over what will happen. So, rather than planning it out, I left it up to God to lead me in the way I should go. Right now, I feel strongly that I am to be still and seek after Him.

  Maybe I'm crazy to be waiting on divine intervention to show me where to start, but I've been relying on my own strength to get me through life since my childhood. I sought God when I needed emotional support, but I never really needed Him to get by in anything else. Instead, I worked really hard to accomplish my own idea of success.

  I'm reading Radical: Taking Back Your Faith from the American Dream by David Platt. It's a really good book, and I'd recommend it for anyone. Before I started reading it I had come to a realization that my perfectionism still has a hold on my life. This drives me to work really hard to be the best. That has always been my goal--in essence, to exult myself above everyone else, not just in one field, but in everything I do with no one's help. Does that not sound sickening--especially for one who calls herself a child of God? I feel convicted.

  In this book, Platt pretty much uncovers the western church's complete investment into the idea of the "American Dream," and how it goes directly against Christ's teachings. In one of the chapters, he points out that we keep on searching for God's will in our lives when He lays it out quite simply for us in His Word: we are to bring Him glory and go make disciples of all the nations. We are too comfortable and self-absorbed to respond to His commands for us. We pawn it off on people who are "called" into ministry. Certainly we can witness in our own backyard, but for so many of us, that "witness" looks a lot like keeping silent and pursuing our own goals--maybe letting people know that we are Christians and waiting for them to come to us with questions. Why have we become so timid when our God is so powerful? 

  This book further convicted me (along with a friend's sermon on being too comfortable, aptly placed at this point in my life) and I am choosing this end (of my internship) as an opportunity to truly recklessly abandon my own will to God's, taking off my pride and seeking His kingdom. I am at the end of myself. It's scary. It's uncomfortable. But, it's where God works.