Going Outside with Baby

With the nice weather, I've been taking my son outside to play in the backyard. As I laid out the blanket and slipped my shoes off, I was struck with this question: when did I become afraid of interacting with nature? 

I remember running around our yard barefoot as a child, despite my father's constant warnings to wear shoes (as he was a carpenter, there was a greater likelihood of loose nails & screws being found back there). I remember wading through creeks and climbing trees, petting bees and soaking up the rain. Now, I stay inside if it's raining and wear shoes if I'll be walking on grass. It's almost as if I'm afraid of interacting with nature. I'll go outside and observe it, shooting pictures or sitting on a blanket with my son, but heaven forbid I actually touch it. 

And I realized that I was hesitant to let my son touch it. Since he loves putting things in his mouth, I wouldn't want him eating grass or a bug or something poisonous.

But then I remembered. I remembered the adventure of wading up a creek I imagined to be the Amazon and I an explorer. I remembered the freedom of climbing our apple trees and feeling invincible. I remembered believing myself to be the lone benefactor of the ants I allowed to crawl over my skin. I want my children to have those and many more experiences. I want them to explore the jungle, unearth treasures, and care for little creatures. I shouldn't keep that from them.

My son stepped on the grass with his bare feet and had the cutest reaction. I would have missed that experience if I had protected him from it.

So what if he tastes a little grass? I ate dirt and lived to tell the tale.

Mom-ing It

So, I'm a mom. I've been a mom for nearly 8 months now, and I think I might be getting the hang of it. I mean, as much as a mom of an 8-month-old can.

I know that kids grow, situations morph, things change. So, I know that after I've gotten used to being a mother of an infant, I'll have to learn to get used to a new dynamic. That's how life works - it's an ever-evolving roller coaster ride.

I've learned to flow into the rhythm of mom-ing it.

We were spoiled with a really good sleeper until we moved our son to his own room a little over a month ago. Finally, after a terrible night of waking up every half hour to screams, I had had enough and frantically searched for sleep solutions. I had a frustrating week of sleep training that resulted in our son sleeping even better than he had when we thought we were spoiled. Our average of 8 hours straight turned into an average of 11 hours straight. That changed a lot of things for us.

Rather than just feeding him for an hour 'til he was in a deep sleep or trying to find just the right combination of bouncing with the right song to lull our baby to sleep - "an art" as my husband called it - we now have a routine. It frees us up to be able to go out without worrying whether grandparents are up to the task of putting him down.

This routine has also allowed me to have free time to myself during the day. He no longer has to nap attached to me, so I can get things done - clean the house, take showers, or nap. It's delightful. The added benefit? Getting my libido back. The constant physical attachment was a drain that made any extra attention from my husband unwelcome. This sleep scheduling thing really helped our marriage in the still-new parents chapter.

For those of you wondering if I ever bonded with baby, I did. It took time and patience, but I love that kid like I never loved anyone before. I'm not saying I love him more than anyone else, just different. Like, have-a-complete-emotional-and-mental-break-down-over-how-the-heck-am-I-going-to-protect-him-from-people-who'd-wish-him-harm different. Sorry, dad, for rolling my eyes every time you worried about me getting abducted. I get it now.

And with his ever-increasing mobility (hopefully crawling soon), and our consistent nap schedule, I am enjoying motherhood even more. I can spend his sleeping hours writing or watching mind-numbing TV, and when he's awake, I'm able to be fully present with him.

I'm learning to balance my desire to be the perfect mom/wife with the reality that some days I just don't have the energy to make a meal from scratch. I have to be okay with that. I'm no super mom, but I definitely earned the massage I got (as an early present) for Mother's Day.

Moms, wherever you are right now in your motherhood journey, I hope that you know you're doing an awesome job. Don't pressure yourself to be the perfect Pinterest-ing mom, just be the best you can be and leave the rest up to God.

(I need to remember that.)

The two books I read for sleep scheduling (the latter worked better for us, although it was really long):


On Becoming Baby Wise: Giving Your Infant the Gift of Nighttime Sleep


Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child, 4th Edition: A Step-by-Step Program for a Good Night's Sleep

2 Weeks Postpartum

A little over 2 weeks ago, I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy. The first thought I had when the doctor placed him on my chest was oh, there was an actual living, breathing human being in there. I don't know what I was expecting, maybe a fruit or vegetable since I'd been reading up on comparative sizes for the past nine months. Whatever it was, I was not expecting this squirming red baby that was plopped onto my chest. I'm not one of those people who didn't know they were pregnant, nor was I accidentally impregnated. I've been wanting to be a mother for all of my (albeit short) adult life. We'd been trying for 6 months before I got the positive result. I was excitedly reading up on birth and parenting and picking out baby items throughout my pregnancy. 

It's just - well - my labor seemed anticlimactic for some reason. It wasn't a long arduous labor. In fact, I enjoyed telling every detail of it to anyone who'd listen. 

I didn't know what was wrong. Although I knew I was pregnant with a boy, I think part of me still hoped he'd be a girl because girls seem so much easier to raise than boys (having been a girl myself). There was also the fact that I had a beautiful baby when I was half expecting an ugly one since I was a pretty ugly baby. Whatever the reason, the reality that I was bringing home a living human didn't really set in. 

The thing is, it still hasn't. 

I realized from a dream I had a couple nights ago, that I haven't really felt any attachment to him as my child. Sure, I've been carrying him around and nursing him, spending loads of my time holding him close, but I haven't really bonded with him yet. 

It took me a few days to even say "I love you" to him, and that even felt superficial. I have to remind myself to kiss him every once in a while, while my husband can't stop kissing him.

I had to ask what was wrong with me that I felt nothing towards this baby I'd been carrying for 9 months. I googled it. Apparently it can take up to 6 months to bond with one's baby. 6 months! I hope it doesn't take that long. As for now, I will continue to do everything I can to try to bond with my baby and pray that it happens sooner rather than later. I guess we'll see. 

Democracy at Work

I grew up in a very politically vocal household. Most Conservative Republicans are. My schooling involved a lot of right-wing rants from my history teacher. I went to college and was exposed to more liberals, but my politics teacher was conservative.

As I've grown, I've started to see the problem with democracy in America. It's the problem many people in my generation have noticed alongside me - their response is to relinquish their right to vote. What is this problem that would cause so many to forgo a right that generations have fought to gain? The problem is that there is no real representative of the people in our government.

Looking at the issues that the 2 major parties stand on, I see no one that I completely agree with. I almost think that this is done purposely so that people focus on one issue when voting and don't see the other stances on issues that they are voting for.

Did you know that there are 5 "major" political parties? There are 33 "minor" parties, as well. So, why is it we only hear about 2?

We can blame the media, but I think the blame lies on the citizens. We don't take the time to look at ALL of our options. Why should we always feel like we are choosing the lesser of two evils? People say that if they vote for any other candidates, they are throwing away their vote. Isn't the point of voting to make your voice heard?

I say we start voting for what we believe in with confidence. That we stop putting ourselves on polar opposites - making it a state of "us and them" and making the chasm between larger. I say that we take our right to vote and use it. Make the American government speak for the people again.

Look at your options & vote for who most closely resembles your beliefs.

This country will be a much better place if we all did.

This seems to be the best website I can find about all the candidates:
http://www.politics1.com/p2016.htm

Here's a quiz to see whom you side with most, look into each result, though, to see how your response compares: http://www.isidewith.com/political-quiz

Run Away!

One of the challenges I'm facing with the eminent addition to our family is to fight the urge to run.

It's an urge I've been fighting since childhood. I remember one instance where my neighbor friend and I chose to rendezvous in our alley at midnight one night and drive away in her electric toy car. We got a block away before her step-father found us and brought us home. I don't think I was ever serious about running away as a child because I never really got far or planned my trips very well.

I escaped in a different way. Through my books, I could be a secret agent or courageous wizard. I lived in far off countries or magical lands. I was wooed by Mr. Darcy and journeyed through Middle Earth. I chose to live vicariously through beloved characters rather than live my own life. I even got involved with theatre and became the characters I played. 

Yet, at different points in my life, I still fought the urge to physically run. I long for adventure. I want to see the world, to experience its many cultures. I want to have an interesting life fighting for justice or creating a masterpiece. I wanted the life I have, but I also didn't want to settle down so early. 

With the addition of a baby, it looks as if I will never have the adventures I yearn for, and that scares me. That's what makes me want to run away. Perhaps this wanderlust could be satiated if I were to go out more. If I made a point to take trips to the places I want to see and found interesting activities to do while at home, I may be a little more inclined to stick around. Maybe this is something I need to prioritize in my life, and maybe I will become a little more content with settling down if I do.

Rather than waste time on Pinterest or spend my days in someone else's adventure, I'm going to start making choices that support this longing. We'll see how it turns out!

Baby on the Way

After trying for a few months, my husband and I have been blessed with a developing baby. I'm now 22 weeks pregnant and overwhelmed with the prospect of becoming a first-time mom. In anticipation of the positive pregnancy test, I read up on a lot of baby and parenting books, blogs, and sites. I even started my baby registry (with the mindset that we would be having a boy first) on amazon. I was so excited to be moving on to this next chapter in my life that I over-saturated my brain with baby - that is, until I actually found out I was pregnant.

The first few months, it seemed too good to be true. I didn't want to tell anyone just in case we lost it, but my big mouth overruled me on that one. I stopped looking at baby stuff for fear that I would jinx it. I went to my doctor's appointments, saw the baby moving, and still couldn't quite believe that what I saw on the screen reflected what was going on in my womb. I'm the kind of person who has hopes and dreams for my life and never believes that I could actually obtain any of them. This was just another case of my unbelievable felicity.

After we found out the gender in our 20 week visit and I started feeling distinct movement, I finally allowed myself to revel in the new life created within me. I also began to freak out. I'm not ready to be a mom! I'm only 25. I still have no idea what I want to do with my life. How can we provide for children while still trying to reach our financial goal of being debt-free? I'm just now rethinking my career and flirting with the idea of going back to school to pursue Interior Design. Becoming a published author, it turns out, requires much more discipline and energy than I have. Figuring out how to juggle being a full-time mom and part-time employee is going to be hard.

So as my life is transitioning yet again, I am faced with new challenges, many of which come from rethinking the choices I've made up to now. I have come to understand that sometimes the best way to face them is head-on as they come. Creativity comes out of necessity, and I believe that this next chapter of my life is going to require a lot of creativity.

I know that with God's help and the support of my family and friends, I can overcome these challenges. And I know that I will grow tremendously because of them. So, (I guess) bring 'em on!

Self-Acceptance

An idea is germinating in me. It's an idea I've long been grappling. Who am I--really?

Years of living behind a mask, a self-inflicted performance created to obtain acceptance and accolades, have stunted my growth into my own skin. I think this is a major epidemic in society as a whole, but mostly within Christian households.

A few years ago, I was a year into my college career and asking that same question, "Who am I?" At that moment, I came to the wrong conclusion that sounded so much like the right one. You see, I decided that I needed to accept myself, wholly, for who I believed I was created to be. I needed to embrace EVERY aspect of myself, which included my sinful desires--especially my sinful desires. I had come to the conclusion that I--at the core of who I am and who God created me to be--was undeniably and irrevocably promiscuous, and for God to really use me, I needed to release that (very hidden) side of me. (I was overcompensating for my perfectionist tendencies.)

Looking back now, I see how naive I was. I was so eager to reinvent myself that I ended up losing myself to a twisted logic. That decision cost me my virginity, but I do not mourn that so much as the wasted time, broken psyche, and deep depression that ensued.

I do not believe that I asked the wrong question, nor do I think that my conclusion was far off. The issue with my conclusion was one that comes to a lot of people when faced with a decision. Sometimes, we settle for answers that almost sound perfect. They just slightly miss the mark. These answers mimic truth so well that we choose to ignore the flashing warning signs that might indicate their deception.

Do not be mistaken, it is deception.

It's near-truths and almost-rights that send us so far off course. It's an ancient tactic used by Satan from the dawn of time.
"If you eat the fruit, you won't die (at least not right away)." He says to Eve.

We need to take the time to step back before diving into a decision or a conclusion to assess it fully. Look at the warning signs. Do not let impatience prompt you into a decision you are going to regret in the future.

I am still forming my answer to the question of "Who am I?" today. I believe that I was right in my conclusion that I needed to accept myself for who I am. I am not who I thought I was. I defined myself by an attribute that came as a result of humanity's downfall rather than how I specifically was created--in God's image.

The correct answer to "Who am I?" lies in the need to realize my strengths and weaknesses, cultivate my passions and talents, and stop trying to be something I'm not.

I can utilize my strengths and talents while pursuing my passions and allowing God's power to shine through my weaknesses.

So, who am I?
The answer isn't simple, and it's something I'm learning a little more of each day.